Grief: it’s not something to “get over”

“Grief is the price we pay for love” Queen Elizabeth II

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” Nicolas Sparks

“Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.” Euripedes

A few years ago, a client told me about her struggle to cope with the complicated emotions which followed her mother’s sudden death in another country. She felt sadness, of course, but also guilt – that she wasn’t there – and a deep regret – she hadn’t returned her last call – and a red hot rage which she couldn’t quite explain.

She told me her anger reached it’s peak when people responded to the death with platitudes – “she had a good innings” and “she’s gone to a better place” – and said that some, even those she had considered close friends, had completely ignored her mother’s death, crossing the street to avoid seeing her in the weeks that followed.

This story perfectly illustrates both the complex emotions that grief encompasses, and our reluctance as a society to confront it. Despite death being the one thing that connects us, for many it is simply unmentionable.

What to Say

People simply don’t know what to say when someone has died. But the most important thing is to say something. Don’t wait. Don’t tell the griever what they feel. Don’t cross the road to avoid them.

If you are struggling with the words to use, try any or all of the following words, or go for the hug (if the griever is a hugger):

Use the name of the person who has died
State the facts: “this is devastating”; “I am so sorry”; “I am here for you”
Do something (just leave dinner on the doorstep) rather than ask if you can do anything
Don’t try and make it better: the worst has happened; it cannot be made better
Don’t try to fill silences (count to 10 in your head, if you need to)

Forget “Moving On”

The traditional idea of grief following a sequence of clear stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – has largely (and rightly, in my view) been dismissed.

Humans are a complex species and grief brings complicated emotions beyond simple sadness. It is very normal to experience grief as guilt, resentment, anger, as well as joy, relief and gratitude. And these different emotions simply need to be acknowledged and felt. Even then, expect no neat conclusion where the death can be put behind you as you move on with life. We must start to see grief not as something you “get over”, but as something you carry with you forever. Grief itself is the conclusion.

This doesn’t mean you won’t feel joy again: that human complexity means that you can be upset and still enjoy a laugh, just as you can be at peace with something that still causes you sadness. And that is okay. Grief ebbs and flows, there will be good days and bad days.

Commemorate the Death

If we see grief as love which is trapped because it no longer has anywhere to go, we might find some solace in finding ways to release that trapped love, to keep the connection to the dead person alive. Possible ideas might be: