“The truth is that stress doesn’t come from your boss, your kids, your spouse, traffic jams, health challenges, or other circumstances. It comes from your thoughts about your circumstances.” Andrew Bernstein, US TV Director
“It’s not stress that kills us, it’s our reaction to it.” Hans Selye, the founder of stress theory
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” William James, US Philosopher
I stayed calm when the alarm clock didn’t go off, making me late; I stayed calm when the dog was sick all over my new dress; I stayed calm when my son’s school called to ask me to bring in his forgotten football kit; I stayed calm when the babysitter called to say she was unwell; and I stayed calm when my bike got a puncture making me even later.
When I finally got to work, I accidentally knocked over my cup of tea, smashing the mug and sending the liquid all over the floor. Instantly, I was red faced, tearful and full of disproportionate rage.
This is what stress is like: you are coping just fine, until you’re not and something (often very minor) tips you over the edge. But we live in a world where so much value is placed on being busy and productive. It’s not enough to achieve, we must push ourselves to achieve more. Being stressed is almost a badge of honour.
The Stress Bucket
A metaphor I use for managing stress with my clients is “the stress bucket”.
Bring to mind the image of a bucket (choose your size depending on your individual tolerance for stress): every time your stress response is activated, imagine your bucket filling up with a bit of water. If your bucket keeps filling up, without you finding ways to empty it, you risk it overflowing. And this is when things reach crisis point (like when I knocked over the cup of tea).
Punch Holes in your Bucket
Managing stress means making changes to your life which will punch permanent holes in your bucket to allow the water – or stress – to flow out.
You already know what these holes look like. It’s the usual: eat, sleep and exercise well, spend time away from your screen and with people who make you feel good.
Then there are the holes which you need to calm your stress response down once it has been activated: think music, pets, painting, breathing exercises, meditation, a “reward” to look forward to. Anything which activates your relaxation response.
Good Stress
Some stress, of course, is necessary: it makes things happen.
If you think back to the most stressful periods in your life, you’ll notice that in amongst the anxiety and despair, there is something else: growth; resilience; a new perspective; a sharper sense of what really matters to you.
Of course, it’s easy to look back with hindsight but much harder when you are in the centre of that stress. Then, it’s hard to see anything with a sense of proportion or clarity.
And it doesn’t actually matter what it is that activates your stress response, what matters is managing it better. You can do this by taking practical steps (so, if mornings are stressful, you prepare packed lunches the night before, set your alarm for earlier, lay your clothes out) and using mental exercises to train your brain to handle stress differently.
Your Stressed Brain
Example: Imagine that you accidentally hit “reply all” on a work email. On realising your mistake, a stressed brain might tell you, “wow, another stupid mistake, you’re going to get fired”. These are called “catastrophising” thoughts which tend to focus in on the worst outcome possible (even if that worst outcome is unrealistic and unlikely to happen).
If you take those catastrophising thoughts as facts, your stress levels will rocket, and your stress bucket is at risk of overflowing.
Mental Brain Training
In a stressful situation like this, it’s right to acknowledge the mistake and seek to rectify it, but it’s also important to be realistic in your thinking: everyone makes mistakes, everyone has sent an email in error, it’s unlikely you’ll be fired over this.
You can train your brain to take a more realistic perspective by stepping away from your thoughts and looking at them as an “observer” of your thoughts.
See catastrophising thoughts for what they are: the musings of a stressed brain focussing on worst case scenarios.
You can make this into a game where you pretend to be an “Inspector of Thoughts” there to assess the validity of the thoughts which pop up in your head:
So ask yourself: is it really likely that I could lose my job over this? Or is it just my brain catastrophising?
You can play around with negative thoughts by putting them into an evil cartoon voice; or just laugh them, “here we go again”.
This “distancing” of yourself from your thoughts will make them much easier to dismiss as “brain junk”.
The Language of Stress
Stress often makes us use the language of absolutes – “this is the worst”; “I cannot cope”. But if your brain hears you repeatedly saying those things to yourself, it will take that as the truth which makes you feel more stressed, and fills up that stress bucket.
The opposite is also true: repeating a helpful phrase can move you away from those catastrophising thoughts and into a more realistic – and balanced and compassionate – realm of thought. It also gives your brain a moment of space if things suddenly feel overwhelming.
Affirmations or mantras can feel a bit cringy to do. But they work. They offer your brain an alternative way of thinking about things when those stress-induced catastrophising thought patterns start.
For affirmations, it’s important to choose the right message – there’s no point in telling your brain something completely fantastical like “I am going to win an Oscar”. Repeat a reassuring and realistic message – something like: “I’ve coped before, I’ll cope again” works well – will guide your brain in a better direction.
This is not about pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It’s about giving your brain realistic information about what is actually happening, rather than what might have happened in the past, or what might happen in the future.
So use the right language. Talk to yourself in the same calm and reassuring way you would talk to a good friend. If a friend made a mistake, you wouldn’t pile in and tell them they were an idiot who might lose their job. You would reassure them and offer a balanced, compassionate response. Try it on yourself, next time you feel stressed.
What Next?
Listen to our Therapy Downloads
The Neuro Fix offers several downloads which will help you manage that stress better. Let your mind do the hard work from the inside by listening to these every day for two weeks:
